


Miracle

by SamanthaNovak



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Past Miscarriage, Pregnant Jensen, supportive jared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-14 22:53:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16050227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamanthaNovak/pseuds/SamanthaNovak
Summary: For the following prompt from the LJ SPN Kink community:"The bigger coats for Dean in season 6 are for more than just comfort, they're hiding a secret Jensen is wanting to keep from Jared and the rest of the world."Jared and Jensen have been trying to start a family for two years, but every time Jensen conceives, it ends in a miscarriage. Disheartened and positive he's a failure and his body can't carry a baby to term, he hides an unplanned third pregnancy from everyone, including Jared. It's a good thing Dean likes layers and heavy jackets.





	Miracle

**Author's Note:**

> I promise I’m still working on “Eggs.” I’m just stuck and ever since we started packing to move, I haven’t been able to do much writing. Now that I’m settled, my room isn’t cluttered, and I actually have the time to write, I wanted to get something put out since it’s been so long. I found the SPN Kink community’s unfilled prompts list on Pinboard and copied a few links to fill for something that should be easy to finish. So that’s where this came from.
> 
> I hope I covered the prompt well enough. The header also included angst which wasn't stated in the prompt body itself. I think I covered that bit.

* * *

Jensen eyed the bedroom door, slightly cracked so he could hear if anyone entered his trailer, then turned back to the mirror. He twisted to one side to view his profile, using one hand to bunch the t-shirt he wore up at his chest and skimming the other down his abdomen. The space between his hips felt softer and more rounded than it usually did. The slight swell even extended upward by now which made anxiety claw at Jensen's chest.

He wasn't ready to tell anyone - not even Jared - about his pregnancy. The bigger his belly grew, the more worried he became that someone would notice. He'd taken to asking for bigger, thicker coats for Dean and, when a jacket wasn't necessary, a button-up shirt to go over his t-shirts. He felt safest when Dean could get away with wearing both.

If he didn’t tell anyone, it didn't exist. If it didn’t exist, it couldn’t hurt when his body failed to sustain it.

Like the last two times they’d tried.

Two years ago, they’d decided they were ready for a baby. Jensen had no trouble conceiving, and they were ecstatic to share the news with friends and family as soon as Jensen got confirmation from his doctor. A couple of weeks into his second trimester, a few days before they’d intended to announce it to fans at a convention, Jensen felt cramping he knew meant something was wrong. They’d kept him in the hospital overnight. He’d been released the next morning, feeling as if he were returning home without a piece of himself.

Six months after that, they tried again. Again, Jensen conceived easily. This time, he waited for doctor confirmation before telling even Jared. They waited to tell family until he reached his second trimester, and they didn’t even think about telling fans just yet. Not until Jensen reached month five and they felt confident that both he and the baby were doing alright. They announced it at a convention during one of their shared panels. This convention, they could spend the full three days without any other commitments taking time away, and all weekend, fans came up to them and congratulated them.

And a couple weeks later, a week shy of his twenty week checkup where they’d discover the sex of the baby, Jensen lost that one, too.

He’d told Jared he didn’t want to try again.

But somehow, without trying and despite protection so he wouldn’t have to be disappointed again, Jensen was pregnant for the third time. Already four months in, he couldn’t bring himself to tell Jared this time. What if he lost this one, too? He couldn’t live with himself if his body failed again. Jared would be devastated. Jensen wasn’t sure he would survive it either.

With a weary sigh, he tugged the shirt back down then pulled on the button-up Dean would be wearing in the next few scenes. He'd just finished tugging it into place when he heard a knock on his trailer door.

"Jen?"

Despite his nerves over keeping a secret from his husband, just hearing Jared's voice made Jensen smile as he exited the bedroom.

"Come in, Jay," he called.

Jared's head poked in, and he looked around before his eyes landed on Jensen. Immediately grinning, he stepped up into the trailer. "Hey," he greeted, pausing long enough to leave his gum on the counter – Jensen mentally gagged but said nothing; he hadn't broken Jared of the habit in the last six years, and he wasn't going to now – before wrapping his arms around the shorter man and tugging him close for a welcome kiss.

"Hey yourself," Jensen purred when the kiss ended. "John let you and Mitch go?"

Jared nodded. "Yeah, the scene's good. He said he needs to rearrange though. I was supposed to get a little break while you and Cindy shoot some scenes at Lisa's place but she's running a little late, so we're shooting the one where Sam and Dean take the baby shopping."

In the current episode, Sam comes across a case with murdered parents and abducted babies. He enlists Dean for help and the two care for a baby that turns out to be a shifter because its father is a shifter. The scene Jared was referring to occurred about a third of the way into the episode and featured the brothers shopping for baby supplies like diapers and powder and milk – something Jensen had been imagining doing with Jared for the last two years, but they’d never made it far enough to stock up on supplies.

"You okay with that?" Jared asked when Jensen failed to respond, skimming his hands up and down Jensen's spine in a soothing gesture. Concern filled his hazel eyes, and Jensen almost wanted to spill his secret, to let Jared take some of the weight of it all from Jensen.

Jensen forced a small smile. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

"You sure?" Jared gently pressed. "You seem a little upset."

"I'm fine," Jensen grumbled, shrugging his husband off. "They ready for us?"

"Not yet. The crew's gotta set up the supermarket set," Jared explained. "We got an hour, John said."

Jensen hummed noncommittally and tugged Jared toward the bedroom.

"Oooh," Jared purred, and Jensen could hear the smirk in his voice. "Not wasting any time, are we?"

"Not _that._ I want to lie down, and I want you to lie with me," Jensen explained.

"Oh," Jared said, sounding mildly disappointed. "Yeah, we can do that, too. You feeling okay though?"

"Just tired," Jensen fibbed, releasing Jared's hand to crawl into bed. He left on all of Dean's layers.

"You sure you don't want to take some of that off?" Jared asked as he removed Sam's jacket and settled into bed.

"No," Jensen growled, irritated with all of the questions. Then he sighed when he noticed Jared flinch slightly. "I'm sorry, Jay. No, I don't want to take them off. Just... lie with me?"

Jared nodded and gently gathered his husband into his arms as they lay back together. His hands immediately began rubbing up and down Jensen's spine in a comforting gesture, a habit he'd picked up somewhere to soothe the smaller man whenever he became upset or wasn't feeling well.

Jensen sighed as he nuzzled into Jared's chest. It didn't take long for his breathing to even out as he fell asleep. All too soon, though, Jared gently shook him awake to tell him the crew was ready for them on set again.

Once they'd made it on set, the makeup girls had descended upon them to freshen up their makeup, then they'd been put on their marks, the director had gone over the scene one more time, and the baby had been brought in and placed in the seat in the cart Sam would be pushing. Everything seemed to be moving too quickly for Jensen to wrap his brain around. Then the director yelled "Action!" and Jared took a few steps forward down the aisle the scene started it, and Jensen missed his cue to begin his lines.

"Cut!" the director called. "Jensen, you need a reminder what your first line is?”

"Uhh, yeah, please?" Jensen said, deciding there was less explaining involved to fake forgetting his lines than to admit the scene was hitting a little too close to home.

The script supervisor hurried onto the set and offered him her script. He smiled at her in thanks and quickly skimmed through the scene to remind himself. Then he nodded and passed it back to her, and she hurried back behind the cameras.

The director went through his calls again while Jared and Jensen retook their places. 

This time, when he called “Action!” and the two of them started walking through the set, Jensen steeled himself and delivered his line, unintentionally making Dean sound a bit blunter than he intended.

“Alright, I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of, like, paste or jelly you’re supposed to put on their butt,” he said as Dean.

He looked over the baby supply props as Dean was supposed to do, waiting for Jared to give his line and ignoring how wrong this felt. This was Dean and a soulless Sam; not Jensen and Jared. He could do this. It _shouldn't_ bother him. But it _did_ , no matter how hard he told himself it was Sam and Dean. This wasn’t the first time he’d had trouble dissociating from Dean, but this was the first time that inability to shake his beloved character bothered him.

“Like, uh...? Like that?” Jared-as-Sam said, holding out a box that clearly said “Butt Paste” at the top.

When Jensen turned to him, intending to deliver Dean’s command for Sam to add it to the cart, the expression on Jared’s face to convey how Sam felt about this sent a spear of _wrong_ through Jensen. Shopping for baby supplies shouldn’t put that mix of disgust and uncertainty on his husband’s handsome face. It shouldn’t be making Jensen feel like he wanted to throw up then hide under as many blankets as he could until his body finally killed their baby.

“Cut!’

Jensen flinched at the sharp cry, realizing he’d missed his line. Again. He dragged a weary hand down his face, realizing, too late, that he’d probably just smeared makeup and one of the girls was going to have to come back on set and reapply some of it. That thought made him feel even more like a failure – he couldn’t keep his and Jared’s babies alive, he kept forgetting lines which wasted time and no doubt annoyed the crew, and he’d just made more unnecessary work for a nice girl who’d never done anything wrong.

“Jen!”

Jensen flinched back into awareness again, finding Jared’s hands clasped onto his shoulders and concerned hazel eyes mere inches from his own. The utter concern and love on his husband’s face did him in, and suddenly, Jensen was sobbing into Jared’s shoulder, trembling and grasping blindly at the back of his coat as if holding onto his husband was the only thing keeping him upright anymore.

“I- I can’t, Jay!” he sobbed. “I can’t do it again!”

“Do what, Jen?” Jared soothed in a voice so low that Jensen knew only he could hear. He felt Jared’s strong hands trailing up and down his spine in the way he liked.

“I- I just- I just _can’t_!” he cried, taking desperate gulps of breath between sobs. “I’m- And I- I can’t- I- _Jay_ ,” he keened, burying his face into Jared’s neck where it met his shoulder, trying desperately to ignore the crew around them.

Vaguely, he noticed the baby beginning to fuss in the background and then he felt someone hurry on set – probably its mother – and hurry away again. Then Jared murmured to someone before gently pushing Jensen away enough to lead him off the set. Jensen tried to take deep, steady breaths as they crossed the lot to where their trailers were. Instead of Jensen’s, Jared led him to his own, guiding him up inside, then depositing him on the couch and kneeling in front of him. His hands slid from Jensen’s shoulders down his arms to clasp his husband’s hands.

“Jen,” he called softly. “Talk to me, baby.”

“I’m pregnant,” Jensen whispered, squeezing Jared’s hands in an attempt to keep himself from crying for the second time. “We tried so hard not to let it happen a third time, but I’m... God, Jay, I’m _pregnant_!”

“Okay, okay,” Jared soothed. “How far along are you?”

“Roughly fourteen weeks. I went to my doctor, and she confirmed it, but I couldn’t... I’m sorry. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you,” Jensen whispered.

“I understand, Jen,” Jared soothed, caressing his hands up his husband’s arms and around his shoulders to gently pull him closer. “I know why you felt you had to keep it secret. I’m not mad. But, baby, that’s a big secret. I see why you’ve been having a hard time.”

“I know,” Jensen whined, wrapping his arms around Jared. An involuntary sob tore from his throat, and he leaned forward to rest his forehead against Jared’s shoulder. “That scene... We never got to do anything like that the first two times, and then we said we were done trying, but now I’m... It just felt so wrong to be pretending at that, even if it’s only Sam and Dean. I just couldn’t keep Dean separate from myself. It wasn’t him doing with his brother for a monster kid. It was you and me with a baby we never got to have. And the guilt over having kept it from you for so long just...”

“It’s okay,” Jared soothed. “You told me now, and now I can help you through it.”

“How? My body sucks,” Jensen hissed. “I lost the first two; I’m going to lose this one, too.”

“Don’t think like that,” Jared admonished. “Your doctor even said there’s no medical reason you miscarried the last two times. Physically, you’re perfectly healthy and capable of carrying to term.”

“Then why can’t I?” the smaller man growled, pushing away from his husband to meet his eyes, his own green ones bright with anger. “Twice, Jared! I lost our baby twice! I can’t help feeling like this time won’t stick either.”

“If it doesn’t, then... then I’ll try for us,” Jared offered in a near whisper.

The offer doused Jensen’s frustration like a bucket of cold water. “You... You never wanted to be pregnant,” he whispered in disbelief. “You didn’t, and I did; that’s why we agreed it would be me.”

“I know. I know, but if it doesn’t work this time, I won’t put you through it again. If we want a baby of our own, I’ll carry it for us,” Jared offered again. “But let’s just be positive this time, okay? Don’t assume you’ll lose this one, too. We’ll do things the way any expectant parent does it.”

“I’m not telling the fans,” Jensen stated clearly, leaving no room for argument on the decision. “Not until the baby is born. We can explain then why we hid the pregnancy. They’ll understand.”

Jared nodded with a small smile. “Agreed. This is between us, the crew because they’re going to have to make some changes to keep you safe and healthy, and our families when we’re ready. If it works out, we tell the fans after the baby is born. If not...” He shrugged casually. “If not, I’ll give it a shot for us. Okay?”

Jensen nodded, unable to stop the grin from spreading across his face, the first real smile he’d felt in the last four months. “God, I love you so much,” he whispered before leaning forward and claiming his husband’s lisp with his own.

“I love you, too, Jen,” Jared murmured against Jensen’s lips when the kiss ended before diving in for another.

~~~

_Nine months later..._

Jensen tucked the baby under his chin, one hand supporting her bottom through the pink blanket they’d swaddled her in while the other cupped the back of her head, hidden under a white cap with a pink bow. He swayed side to side, the gesture born of restlessness from anxiety than a desire to keep his daughter asleep.

“Jen, we don’t have to do this,” Jared whispered, his hand landing on the small of Jensen’s back. “We can give her to Misha now, and he’ll take her to the green room while we do our thing.”

“No, I said we’d tell them when the baby came, and now she’s here, so...” He swallowed around his nerves. “It’s just- I can’t believe… I didn’t lose her, and she’s here, and we’re telling our _fan_ _s_ about her.”

“It’ll only be for a minute,” Jared reminded him. “Misha’s right there. We make the announcement, show her off for a second, then he’ll take her backstage while we do our thing.”

“That’s what’s making me nervous,” Jensen admitted. “She’s only three months old, and this is the first con we’ve done since I got too big to hide it from the fans. I haven’t been away from her since she was born, and I haven’t done this in almost a year. What if they hate us for not coming to these things? I mean, it’s _our_ show, and they expect to see _us_ , and-”

“Jen,” Jared cut him off with a chuckle and a kiss to his cheek. “They’ll understand when we tell them. They might have been disappointed when we stopped going to cons, but they’ll get it now. They still love us, you know. And they’ll love her. As for being away from her, she’s in the same building, a few rooms away. And she’ll be with Misha, it'll only be for an hour, and she’ll probably sleep the whole time.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said slowly, squaring his shoulders and taking a deep breath. “Yeah, okay. But... When Rich announces us, you go first. Get them to quiet down then I’ll bring her out.”

Jared nodded, but whatever else he was going to say was cut off by Richard’s voice through the mic onstage.

“Ladies and gentlemen! There’s no point in trying to surprise you because it was all over the website and it’s in your pamphlets, but I’m going to try anyway! They haven’t been at a _Supernatural_ con in a year, and I hear that today, you’ll find out why! You love them, you’ve missed them, give it up for Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles!”

Jared shot Jensen one last reassuring grin before rushing onto the stage. Jensen couldn’t stop grinning when he heard the cheering of the audience. Instead of Rich calling for Jensen again, the next voice to come through the mic was his husband’s.

“Hi, guys!” Jared called, and Jensen could imagine the big grin – complete with dimples – that followed as the audience screamed again. When they died down enough, Jared continued speaking. “So, before Jensen comes out, I need to ask y’all a big favor, okay?” The audience cheered again, but it had an overall tone of consent, not just excitement. “When Jensen comes out, you guys gotta stay super quiet. Can you do that?” The audience cheered in agreement then slowly fell completely silent. “Awesome,” Jared said in a normal tone now that he didn’t have to be heard over cheers. “Okay. Jensen! Come on out!”

Jensen took a deep breath, tucked his daughter more securely under his chin, and carefully climbed the stairs and pushed past the curtain to step onto the stage. With the lights over the audience dimmed, he couldn’t see them, but he heard a collective “awww” roll through the crowd as he stood beside Jared. Thankfully, someone had set up a mic on a stand for him so he could talk without letting go of the baby.

“Hi, guys,” he said quietly. “Jared and I really missed seeing y’all the last year. So, um... So, this little lady is the reason why,” he explained, turning his body enough to point their daughter’s sleeping face toward the audience. “Her name is Amari. It means ‘miracle.’ Which is a cliché once you hear why we picked it.”

“Y’al  remember a couple years ago when we told you Jensen was pregnant, but then he, um...?” The audience made a collective soft sound of sympathetic agreement. Maybe this was something too personal that most celebrities wouldn't share with their fans, but they’d both agreed that this fandom was family, and they trusted their fans with the explanation. “Yeah. So, that was the _second_ time it ended like that.”

“When I got pregnant again,” Jensen said, picking up where Jared stopped, “it was unintentional. We didn’t try telling you guys again – just in case. When we stopped coming to conventions, it was because I got too big to hide it, but we were still afraid to say something. But I made it,” he said, grinning proudly. “My body let me carry her full term, and now she’s here, so we gave her a name that meant miracle. And we were ready to show you the newest addition to the _Supernatural_ family.”

The audience cheered but kept it low in deference to the sleeping baby in Jensen’s arms.

And somehow, Jensen knew they’d forgiven the two of them for being absent the last year. They’d accepted Amari, and he knew they loved her already. Best of all, his body had proven him wrong, and he’d accomplished something he’d thought he wasn’t capable of doing no matter how hard he tried, no matter how badly he wanted it.

But maybe next time, he’d ask Jared to have the baby.


End file.
